Suddenly

All of a sudden, everything is gone. And i feel damn good.

Who to tell

I don't know who to tell

I feel so shitty right now because of you. The past days we were talking consistently, you call me, i call you, you update me when you're up, when you're going home. Then suddenly last night, you were MIA. You didn't reply to my message, you didn't call me when you were going home. You were gone.

And i hate that i can't ask you, i can't be mad at you for not replying and i definitely cannot require you to give me updates. I hate it. I don't get you. But why can't i just let you go. What the fuck is wrong with me.

All my friends have urged me to forget you, they've all told me that i deserve better. That you are a piece of shit. That you're using me to feed your ego, to make you feel good about yourself. That you are one selfish bitch who does not deserve my love and my attention. I bet they're right. But i am stupid. Have i become a masochist?

How much more can i take? How much more can i endure? You post one thing on ig, i get all jealous and shit but i can't confront you about it. And that sucks for me because i get jealous all the time. So aside from the jealousy, i also get the frustration of not being able to confront you about it. What the actual fuck is wrong with me.

Starlight

I can see clearly now, it's been clear ever since, i just wasn't accepting it.

I like her. I think maybe i love her. But she only sees me as a friend, and that's not bad isn't it? At least she sees me.

I don't know why I'm so drawn to her, what is it with her that got me this hooked? Is this love?
The first time i really looked into her eyes, i got lost. The world stopped. I couldn't hear what she was saying but i felt something. I knew from that moment that there was something. I knew from that moment that i wanted to take care of her, give her everything she wants, whatever she needs. I didn't know what to do. It was the very first time i felt that way. That memory will forever be etched in my brain.

I wanted to spend every second of my life with her. I wanted to get to know her better. I wanted to give her everything. I wanted her to feel the same way. But she doesn't, she doesn't feel the same way.

All i know now is I want her to have peace of mind. I want her to be happy. Even if I'm not the reason she's happy. Even if I don't give her the peace of mind she needs.

She deserves the world. She deserves everything she wants. She has flaws, yes, but with all she's been through, she deserves to be loved.

Love. She deserves the kind of love that i think i can give but i know she doesn't want it from me. She wants it from somebody else.

I am crumbling. My world is falling apart. This is all too painful. But i have to endure everything because all i want is for her to be happy.

I will be here for her. I will be in the background, waiting for her to call me when she needs someone to talk to. When she needs to rant about anything, i will be here to listen. I will be here for her, loving her in silence.

Bullshit

Why can't i move on from you?
Is it just because i feel defeated?
Do i feel betrayed because you said you just weren't ready and here you are now loving someone else?
So why the mixed signals? Why didn't you just tell me that there was someone else holding your heart? Why did you have to tell me all that bullshit?

Oh gahd what is this? Hahahahahaha